Thursday, January 08, 2009

More From the Angry German

I'm a little sleepy today so i thought I'd let our good friend, "The Angry German", speak to you guys today. For those of you who missed the last post by this guy here's the deal.

These are little blurbs taken from "Esquire" magazine and they're hilarious. Basically they are written by a German guy who has been living in America for about a decade now. He's very truthful and very angry.

As always, these are best read aloud in a German accent.

The Angry German: On Sports Fans

This might come as a surprise, but I became a baseball fan here in the United States. While this is the most un-European of all American sports, I find it fascinating. It might be my obsession with numbers. But one thing that really should change here, and that goes for all U.S. sports, is the fan chants. They are weak and utterly uncreative. Basically, every team has the same "Let's go Team, clap-clap clap-clap-clap" or "Other Team sucks." Mr. Rogers could have come up with better insults. In European soccer, there is a whole science dedicated to this. We have songs -- songs for every opponent and for particularly disliked teams. (Of course, there are also songs for cheering your own team on, but they are not as fun.) Basic rule of thumb is that you belittle the opposing team's city. For example, every team from Detroit should be greeted by a song about how they are unemployed bums, L.A. would be about cocaine and plastic surgery, and Boston teams need to be addressed as racist bigot pigs. With that out of the way, it is time to go after their star players. If one of them has marital problems, you sing about his wife cheating on him and that you had her last night. Even better if he has a record of DUIs, substance abuse, or a criminal record. NFL fans shouldn't find it hard to come up with something.

The Angry German: On Drinking Among the Americans

My dear Americans, you will be happy to hear that the Angry German has applied for U. S. citizenship. It will take a few months to go through, which gives me time to launch my campaign to address America's drinking problems, because there is no way I'm going to be "naturalized" into someone who drinks beer out of bottles (draft beer being, of course, the only proper kind) or starts flashing gang signs after three Bud Lights. Or someone who feels guilt and shame about drinking. God forbid you tip back a beer in a public park--come on, it's a beer, it's meant to be drunk outside in the sun.

Another phenomenon here in the U. S. is the invasion of girlie shots. I see six-foot-six, 280-pound men drinking pink shots and being proud of themselves. A shot must be drunk in one go. (Real shots should give you bodily pain if you drink them slowly.) Also, a shot must not have a second word in the name. Tequila is a shot; "tequila slammer" is a porn-star name.

America is a great country--you can do better. It's time you started treating beer with the respect it deserves. I call for a national beer association, the "NBA." You see, it worked for guns--they have a good lobby in the NRA, and I would make the argument that beer has caused less trouble than weapons. Let us create this "NBA." I nominate David Hasselhoff as initial chairman

The Angry German: On International Stereotypes - American Political Correctness

I play soccer with a bunch of people, a friendly pickup game. One thing about this crew is that it is a very mixed group of all countries of this world. We even let a Frenchman play with us. We don’t really take him seriously, of course, but we let him play. There’s Englishmen with bad teeth and drunken Irishmen, Scots with their sheep, fat Americans, lazy Italians -- every nation you can think of.

In the beginning when I made intemperate remarks about the English or the French, I would be reprimanded by my American girlfriend: “You can’t say these things -- it’s insulting.” But it actually isn’t, at least not to people with a sense of humor. The countries of Europe have been at war with each other for thousands of years. I think it is much better to just tell the English to go brush their teeth than to shoot them.

Living here has taught me to walk on the eggshells of PC, but it’s tough to adhere to these standards. You have to avoid saying “Chinese laundryman,” even though the laundryman is, indeed, Chinese. I can’t even make fun of the Swiss without being reprimanded. It seems the only group that is not off-limits is us Krauts. Even our own companies come up with utterly ridiculous commercials for American TV. But that’s okay -- have a go. You see, we are not humorless, after all.

I love the Angry German!

Song of the Day: Wolfmother - Dimension
Beer of the Day: Oskar Blues Brewery - Old Chub

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