Thursday, November 06, 2008

The Angry German

Man, yesterday was a pretty patriotic post, yeah? Well today I'm going the opposite route.

The only magazine the I subscribe to is Esquire. I really like this magazine and there are at least three articles every issue that I truly enjoy reading and usually learn something from. However, my favorite part of Esquire is the article called, "The Angry German." Basically, it's a short article written by an anonymous German man who has been living in America for about 10 years...and he is often angry. Each issue he talks about something that Americans do that is absolutely idiotic. While he is very aggressive and his language can get a bit filthy (I'll edit a bit to keep LoB family friendly), the points he makes are almost always brilliant.

So today, I'll give you a triple shot of "The Angry German" and then I'll give you some more down the road whenever I feel the need to unleash the beast.

Also, before we start I'll give you the same piece of advice that Esquire gives before reading the articles:

"The article is best read aloud in a German accent"

The Angry German: Punctuality

I grew up with a father who would not let me eat dinner if I wasn't at the table exactly at 7:00 P.M.; 7:01 and I went to bed hungry. So when I get a meeting, party, dinner invite for a certain time, I am there at that time, not 5, 10, or even 15 minutes late. In my early years in America, people were in shock when I arrived at their parties at 8:00 P.M. Well, why don't you bleeding invite people for 9:00 P.M. then?

I play soccer with a bunch of people. Every week I send an e-mail to please be on time -- well, I don't say please, I say, "Be on f***ing time or you won't play next week," yet the same nimrods show up 10 to 20 minutes late every game. "Hey, sorry, West Side was clogged." Oh, is that the same kind of clogged it has been the last three years at this time? To many of these morons -- elite-school grads, by the way -- being on time is an insurmountable task. In my observation, the true idiots of this nation are the Ivy League grads.

The Angry German: Englishmen in America

Dear Americans,

Please, if you hear someone speak with an English accent, it does not make him smart by default. There are millions of people in England who are complete idiots, yet they speak with an English accent. In my group at work we have an Englishman, and it regularly happens that I propose something with my Arnold accent, and he jumps in literally a minute later and says the exact same f***ing thing, and everyone nods and says, "Yeah, Simon is right, this is the way we should do it."

Really, if your forefathers had had the same reaction, you'd still be reporting to Buckingham Palace. Whereas I want to drown him in Pimm's lemonade.

Women seem to take the English accent as an aphrodisiac. I can say, "Hey, I work for an investment bank, have my own place, and write a column in Esquire magazine" and get no response. Whereas butt-ugly Mr. Winterbottom to my side says, "Hey, I am on parole and need to buy some coke -- care to help me out?" As long as he says it with a Brit accent, it is guaranteed that she will go home with him and fund his cocaine addiction.

Please, dear Yanks, take this advice at heart. Now, I myself have many English friends, and I can take the accent thing, as long as they continue to be the biggest underperformers in world sports. But don't you be fooled.

The Angry German: The Work Place

What's with all the friendliness? Everybody in America seems to want to make sweet love to all their colleagues while behind their backs they want to ram rusty screwdrivers down their throats. In my country, it's the other way around: Everyone at the workplace is unfriendly to each other, and then they are best friends over the weekends playing football. When I started working here, one of my first e-mails went to a senior database administrator. It said: "Database is down. Fix it." It landed me a first-row seat in the department head's office, getting a talking down about work culture. To this day, I don't see anything wrong. I didn't say, "You stupid f*ck, you let the database go down while masturbating to Mexican donkey porn. Fix it." Now, I learned that the proper way to say this is: "I know you are really busy, but I cannot continue my work while the database is inaccessible. If you don't mind, could you look into the problem and let me know if there is a chance you can rectify it? Sorry to be a bother." No wonder shit doesn't get done in time when you have to write a freaking novel for each simple thing.

Also, I had to learn that it is frowned upon to have a beer during lunch break.

Well yeah, there you have him. I apologize to anyone the Angry German has offended...but let's be real here...he's right. And because he tells the truth I'll ignore his potty mouth, especially the part about Mexican Donkey Porn.

Enjoy your Thursdays all!

Song of the Day: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Soul to Squeeze
Beer of the Day: Rogue - Double Dead Guy Ale

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