Friday, August 08, 2008

Take Me Out To The Ball Game

I was totally going to post about the Olympics today and how much I love them...and how I fell in love with the 1996 women's gymnastics team...but that can wait until Monday.

Today I want to talk about baseball. Not the game necessarily, but the experience.

I went to a Bats game last night, which is Louisville's AAA team, and I realized games are happy. I went out with my Dad, grandpa, uncles, brother, cousins, etc. and it was a good time....and here is games provide great moments for people from all walks of life, it's a long game so you have to kill a lot of time so here is how I think you should go about every baseball game.

Before you even think about watching a pitch you need to do two things...get a light beer, and get a hot dog. I know they have nachos, fried bologna, hamburgers and everything else to eat out there...but this is baseball get a hot dog for crying out loud.

Once you have your beer and dog, go find your seat and get positioned. Now, over the next three innings while you eat your dog and finish beer #1, you should definetley talk about all the great moments you or those close to you had while playing little league. Funny moments are better than serious ones...but there is no shame in talking about that sweet double play you turned in 1996, or when you broke current Green Bay Packers' QB Brian Brohm's heart by putting his team out of the 8th grade city baseball tournament by ripping his fastball for a game winning double (have I ever told any of you about that? It was awesome). But just talk about all the things you did when you were a kid.

"But Brian, I didn't play baseball as a kid?"

What??? Are you from America??? Well first go smack your parents in the face for not forcing you to play the greatest game ever (don't disrespect your parents...but they owe you) and then make up a story about your little league career in order to not feel like a moron in front of your are a few tall tales to start with.

*** One time I slipped on a ball and broke my arm, and then the doctors ended up fixing it..but then I could throw really hard so I ended up leading the Cubs to a World Series.

*** One time when I was growing up my grandpa died and left the Minnesota Twins to me in his will. I made myself the coach and by seasons end the Twins were pretty good.

*** One time I took my step dad's Babe Ruth autograph baseball and used it to make friends...then someone hit it into a backyard with a killer dog, luckily before my step dad killed me for being a dumb ass, Benny the Jet Rodriguez and James Earl Jones helped me fix the situation.

*** One time I built a full baseball field in my backyard and all these old baseball players came out of the corn fields to play for a was weird.

Careful, you should only use one or two of those if you want your friend's to believe you.

Now, where was I....oh we just finished our first beer and hot dog. It's probably like the 4th inning now, so now get another beer and some peanuts...but make sure you get them from a man walking around and make him throw the peanuts at you...that makes for more fun. If your seats are in the middle of a section, make all of the people between you and the aisle touch your money as you pass it to the vendor...this helps build unity among fans.

Now eat your peanuts and intentionally spill a few peanut shells into your beer to make it taste better. Then, reenact the scene from Ferris Bueller's Day Off when he and Cameron yell, "Heeeeeeey, batter batter batter....swwwwwwwinnnnng batter. He can't hit, He can't hit, He can't hit...Ssssswwwwing batter." Do this to every opposing hitter for one inning...if they get out 1,2,3 in that gotta continue to do it the next inning till someone on the other team gets a hit.

Ok, now it's probably getting late. So go get yourself an ice cream sundae in a helmet and enjoy the rest of the game.

Actually, you don't have to follow my rules for going to a baseball can do whatever you want and that's the beauty. I personally spend more time watching other people...mainly kids (creepy I know), but kids love baseball. Last night a ball boy tossed this little kid a ball and it pretty much made his life...he just smiled and held the ball in the air like a champ...only to return to his mom and dad and have them give him a hug and share the same amount of joy. This kid was only topped by the little kid behind me. A bats player reached base on a bloop single, easily one of the worst hits of the game...and this kid loved it. He was jumping up and down, high fiving his dad, pumping his fist and just yelling, "YEEEEEEESSSS, YESSSSSSSS, YYYYYEEEEESSSSS!" The next guy struck out to end the inning...but that kid didn't care...that bloop single was f'ing sweet! Baseball is fun...I dare you to go to a ball game and be sad while your can't happen. But the games are long so go with some good company, buy a loved one a shitty beer, talk about playing when you were a kid...and just enjoy the surroundings of one of America's best events.

Also, if you don't stand up and sing, "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" during the 7th inning stretch , I'll find you and hurt you...that is the best part about going to a baseball game.

Happy Friday Kids.

Song of the Day: Pearl Jam - Parachutes
Beer of the Day: Sierra Nevada Pale Ale


Dante said...

One of the funniest parts for me (and, no, I'm not a perv, I just see the humor in these things) was these five guys in the Men's room -- all in the same trip:

1. Guy talking on his cell phone while peeing.

2. Little guy, very drunk, leaning in so far, his forehead was almost touching the little flush handle.

3. Guy right next to me doing the "no hands" thing, literally standing with his hands in his pockets. Those guys always make me nervous about "splatter" and I wish they'd get caught in their zippers.

4. Guy who steps up and immediately says to his friend: "Do NOT talk to me right now!!"

5. Guy who steps up and says, to no one in particular, "Is it just me, or does it smell like apple cider in her?" I got out quick.

Roy Lee said...

Well, when I was a kid, I didn't have parents to make me play baseball, but I did climb up in a tree and watch the Annaheim Angels play. And I saw actual angels that helped out the team. And then Danny Glover came to my house and made me the team's "good luck charm." Nacho butt.