Friday, July 25, 2008

Knifes, Spoons, Forks and Sporks

So lately I have been having this conversation with a lot of people. Here is how it starts: If you could only have two utensils for the rest of your life...which do you choose? I for one would get rid of the fork and keep my knife and spoon. You can eat anything with a spoon...and you have to chop things sometimes. While people will argue with me from time to time and tell me that the fork is vital (I'm looking at you Wiggo!) I refuse to believe it. I need my spoon and knife and that's all I need! (and I need my remote, and this paddle ball game and my dog...I guess I don't need my dog. (if anyone didn't get that joke...go do yourself a favor and watch "The Jerk" Your life will change.))

Ok, now to my real point. The value of the spork! What the hell happened to these things? Clearly KFC and Taco Bell got the memo...but everyone else missed out. The spork is the real answer to this question. If you had a spork and a knife...that would be perfect. Nevermind the fact that the pricks on a fork are too small to stab anything...if sporks were more abundant everyone would win. But do you want to know why sporks never made it big? I have a theory.

Sporks only come in one material...plastic. They never come in metal, and therefore they will never be accepted as an actual utensil. But the reason why is because Mr. Silverware manufacturer and Mr. Dishwashing soap are good friends. Think about it...if we replaced the spoon and the fork with one utensil...that's half as many utensils everyone would have to wash. Soon, Mr. Dishwashing soap is out of a job and his kids are forced to quit school and join the circus. Luckily for him, Mr. Silverware is quite the family man and he would never do such a thing to such a nice spork! See it's simple.

Siigh, that was a miserable post. I'm sorry. The only reason I really wanted to talk about sporks was because some friends from college are coming into town tonight...including my old roommate Will...and I had to talk about sporks so I could show this picture:
That's marvelous! I can't help but think this sorry bastard could have kept more spaghetti on his plate with a spork.

Enjoy the weekend kids!

Song of the Day: The Avett Brothers - Pretty Girl From Chile
Beer of the Day: Goose Island 312


erin said...

i have to destroy your spork theory, and i apologize for that. you can, apparently, still get sporks, and in all kinds of materials ...

also, don't google the word "spork." entire fanpages exist, and you'll have to devote the rest of your night to research. :)

john r. said...

i think the knife is less useful than the spoon and fork. the spoon and fork come with an air of elegance that the brute knife just doesn't have. spoons and forks have specialized and specific goals with the specific foods they are used for. the knife is a clumsy fiend used to gnash and ravage the meal before you. it is the clumsy simpleton on the block.

to create the best utensil would be to incorporate the viciousness of the knife into the personalities of spoon and the fork. like an executioner in a tuxedo, these new and improved utensils would carry the aura of classiness they are used to, but with a merciless underbelly.

the 'knork' and the 'knoon' would simply be forks and spoons with serrated edges....diced lips aside, i'd love it.

Roy Lee said...

Give me a fork any ol' day...but I will say that I like the spork...although eating green beans with it leaves a little something to be desired.